Every healthy relationship involves certain expectations but when we set unrealistic expectations in our relationships and our partners do not meet them, we feel unloved or upset, and it creates problems. Sometimes we imagine doing everything with our partners and being the center of each other's lives. We expect to meet each other's needs in every area, we imagine being in a relationship where both partners complete each other in spirit and every aspect of their lives. It may sound comforting and sweet but may cause your relationship's downfall.
I think it is impossible to enter a relationship without having some sort of expectation but when these expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic it creates problems in the relationship. When you expect your partner to do things that you want or will make you feel good in the relationship and they do not meet that need, you feel that your partner has let you down and it creates doubts causing you to question their love for you.
Difference between standards and expectations in relationships
Expectations and standards are two different things.
Standards are the requirements you want in a partner, certain qualities you want your potential partner to have. It mostly has to do with, not being in a relationship yet but you are looking for a compatible partner. They are the minimum requirements or qualities that one expects from a partner before getting into a relationship. That is the standard you want before deciding whether you want to be in a relationship with them. These typically reflect what a person views to be acceptable or non-negotiable and are based on personal preferences.
Expectations are things that you want your partner to meet in the relationship. When you expect your partner to take certain actions to make you feel happy in the relationship. Expectations are the things a person in a relationship hopes or wants from a partner. These could be conscious or unconsciously held beliefs that are influenced by a person's needs, experiences in the past, or other elements. When our expectations are not met we may feel unloved or uncared for by our partners. Expectations and standards are crucial in partnerships because they foster good communication and behavior while also fostering mutual understanding.
Unrealistic and realistic relationship expectations
The question I want to ask is what counts the most in a relationship when you meet someone, is it the gifts, the grand gestures, or is it how he/she makes you feel?
The line between realistic and unrealistic expectations is very thin, sometimes we feel like we have earned the right to be treated like royalty or pursued in a certain way to make us attracted to our partners even more. But sometimes the type of expectations we mostly have in our relationships could push our partners away.
For instance, novels, stories, and fairy tales have talked about finding your prince charming or Cinderella so it has been programmed in our minds that, that is how it should be. You are placed with this unrealistic expectation of what the future looks like and then when the struggle comes or what you did not expect comes, you are made to question their love for you. Sometimes we feel entitled to some actions like the way our partners are supposed to respond. You feel like that is how it should be but if your partner doesn’t feel that way, then it creates problems. We should understand that the reality is that it is not how it works.
The person you find yourself dating may not take you out on candlelight dates or moonlight dates but does he/she listen to you when you talk? is he/she happy every time they see you?
Do they do the little things that matter most in a relationship? Those are the things you should be looking out for, that is what makes a healthy relationship. Those are the things you should be expecting from your partner. It is unrealistic to expect your relationship to be the solution to your childhood traumas or help you increase your self-esteem.
Realistic expectations take into account the constraints of everyone involved as well as the situation's realities. This may include
Having the same beliefs and objectives
Being committed to the relationship
Communicating honestly and openly
Showing support for one another, etc.
On the other side, unrealistic expectations are ones that are highly unlikely to be met. They could be founded on irrational expectations or presumptions, which could impose unnecessary strain on both partners.
What are healthy expectations in a relationship?
Expectations are what we want someone to be or do in a relationship. People with expectations sometimes use these expectations to shape their partners into what they want them to be rather than accepting them for who they are. When it comes to relationships, we sometimes want to clarify what will be considered acceptable in terms of expectations. It is healthy to have desires in what you want to experience in a relationship but when your desires are a bit too much or unrealistic it becomes a problem. There is never going to be that 100 percent perfect guy or girl for you, everyone has their flaws. There will always be arguments, confusion, miscommunication, etc in a relationship it is how you deal with these situations that will determine how the relationship will end up.
When your expectations allow you to understand your partner, be generous to them, allow space in your relationship, and not always ask for their attention it is healthy. When you expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. When you expect loyalty from your partner and are not willing to tolerate abuse or disrespect it is understandable and a healthy expectation
Managing expectations in relationships
Setting expectations in a relationship is vital, but when it is mismatched, it becomes a problem. Problems are created when the focus is just on your expectations rather than what they are bringing into the relationship. You must learn to manage these expectations to avoid creating problems in the relationship. Here are a few tips to help you
Appreciating the little things in your relationship rather than your expectations
Being present in your relationship with your partner can help you escape from your world of expectations. When you stay in the present with your partner you learn to love them for who they are and not based on something that you want them to do. Moreover, an important aspect is, you have to treasure each moment that you spend with your partner.
Some too many people value the connection over what they are supposed to build with their partners. Instead of hoping that one day your partner will do what you want them to do why don’t you take that time and focus on what is going on at the moment and focus on the little things they are doing for you? The most important thing is to focus on what you are building at the moment. Sometimes we put too much focus on the few magical moments like the fancy dates you both went on or the moonlight dinners you had, those are great but try not to focus too much on that. Try switching your focus on the little things as well.
For instance, the smiles on your partner’s face when they see you, and the interest they show in your life by asking how your day was are the important moments, and by living in those moments you will realize that in the long run, things will work perfectly in your relationship.
Focus on building something together
Do not get into a relationship without being ready to build something, not just because of the exciting fantasy you have had about it. We all have expectations in our relationships apart from expecting respect, loyalty, and love in our relationships, we should expect our partners to be builders so that we can both build something together. Instead of focusing on how you expect the relationship to be why not try and build something special with your partner, something different that belongs to just both of you and not just you?
Focus on doing it together as a group and not just based on how you want it to be. If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way, it will be difficult to make a compromise. It is okay to have expectations in your relationships but if the expectations you have are for your own selfish benefit it is not worth focusing on.
You have to accept that your partner can never meet all your needs
One of the common relationship expectations that most of us have is that all of our needs be met by our partners but let’s face it is unrealistic. Not all your needs can be met by your partner in the relationship, to be honest, you are the only person that can meet all your needs. When you hold your partner to meet all your expectations it creates a lot of conflicts in your relationship. Recognize each other's limitations and respect one other's boundaries. Respecting your partner's uniqueness and giving them space when necessary is vital rather than trying to force them to be what they are not
Do not compare your relationship with others
Comparing your relationship with others only makes you feel unappreciated and unworthy in the relationship. This automatically creates an expectation in your relationship based on what other people are doing in their relationship. It can lead to long-lasting impacts on how you feel about your relationship and satisfaction. Instead, you should build something special together, something just for you and your partner. This makes your partnership unique and special and prevents you from having unrealistic expectations or adopting other couples' standards.
A willingness to cooperate toward shared objectives, open communication, and mutual understanding are additional requirements for managing your expectations in the relationship. You may encourage a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner by effectively handling your expectations.
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