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What is retroactive jealousy?
Retroactive jealousy happens when a partner gets jealous about their partner's past relationships, even if those ex-partners are not causing any issues in the current relationship.
Even though these past relationships are over, the recent partner still feels affected by their partner's past relationships. That is, the new partner might feel uncomfortable or unhappy about their significant other's romantic or sexual past.
Jealousy in general is defined as emotions, thoughts, and actions triggered by perceiving a threat from a third party to one's romantic relationship.
While this definition primarily focuses on cases where jealousy is a response to an active threat in the relationship, it often overlooks situations where past rivals or threats cause jealousy. This jealousy is what is termed "Retroactive Jealousy"
What triggers retroactive jealousy
In their study, White and Mullen proposed that jealousy can develop even when there is no actual, current threat to the relationship.
They stated that a rival might "damage qualities of the primary relationship without necessarily threatening or actually ending the relationship" and that jealousy could emerge when there is "a loss of a sense of uniqueness or specialness about the relationship."
Thus, if learning about a love partner's history makes the current relationship appear less unique in any manner, an individual may develop retroactive jealousy. But what exactly causes retroactive jealousy?
This type of jealousy sometimes occurs in response to events such as
Comparing current romantic partners to ex-partners
Saying something positive about ex-relationships or ex-partners to their current partner
Sharing information about sexual experiences they had with past partners
and people viewing traces of their current partner’s past relationships such as old love letters.
These may be mainly due to insecurity and past traumas.
Characteristics of retroactive jealousy
The characteristics of retroactive jealousy can include:
1. Persistent unwanted thoughts about their partner's past relationships
2. Emotional Distress
3. Frequently comparing themselves to their partner's past lovers
4. Often seeking reassurance from their partners
5. Difficulty Letting Go of their partner's past
6. Negative Imaginations
There are other characteristics of retroactive jealousy but these are the main characteristics
Types of retroactive Jealousy
Retroactive jealousy can present itself in a variety of ways, although it typically falls into two categories:
1. Retroactive Jealousy caused by Imaginary Infidelity: This kind includes intrusive thoughts and fantasies about your partner's previous relationships, which can lead to emotions of jealousy and insecurity. Individuals may have recurring visions of their relationship with their ex-partners, creating emotional discomfort.
2. Retroactive Jealousy caused by Comparative Obsession: With this type, People constantly compare themselves to their partner's previous partners, leading to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. They frantically seek information about their partner's previous relationships, which leads to jealousy and self-doubt.
Is retroactive jealousy a mental illness?
Retroactive jealousy is not a mental illness, but rather a common emotional struggle in relationships. It's not officially classified as a separate disorder, but it can be linked to conditions like obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a mental health problem where people have unwanted thoughts that keep coming back (obsessions) and feel the need to do certain actions repeatedly (compulsions). These thoughts and actions can disrupt their daily life and make them very anxious.
If it's causing significant problems in your life, talking to a therapist or counsellor can be really helpful. They can give you advice and techniques to deal with these feelings.
How to overcome retroactive jealousy
Jessica Frampton and Jesse Fox two professors of psychology in their research discovered two methods for managing retroactive jealousy
Offensive Strategies and Defensive Strategies
Defensive Method
The defensive strategy involves cognitively reframing information about a partner’s ex to eliminate jealousy or avoid information about the ex entirely.
When you avoid details about your partner's ex, you avoid overthinking and creating scenarios in your mind that can lead to jealousy and insecurity.
Cognitive reframing is a way to change negative thoughts about your partner's past relationships into more positive and realistic ones. Here's how it works:
1. Recognize Negative Thoughts: First, notice when you're feeling jealous about your partner's past. Identify the negative thoughts causing this jealousy.
2. Question Negative Thoughts: Ask yourself if these thoughts are based on real evidence or just assumptions and insecurities. Challenge their accuracy.
3. Find Positive Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, if you think, "My partner's ex was perfect; I can never live up to that," change it to, "My partner chose me because they see something special in me. Our relationship is about us, not just their past."
4. Change Your Perception: By reframing your thoughts, you change how you see your partner's past. Over time, this helps reduce jealousy and improve your relationship.
In simple terms, it's about swapping negative thoughts with positive ones to feel better about your relationship. With practice, this can make you happier and more secure in your relationship.
Offensive Method
In this method instead of completely reframing from any information about your partner's ex, you gather as much information as possible about a partner’s ex and the past relationship to manage the jealousy.
For some individuals, having more information might help address uncertainties and reduce irrational fears and ease their jealousy.
Jealousy can often be caused by misconceptions or assumptions about the partner's previous relationship. Accurate knowledge can help to clear up these misconceptions and give a more realistic perspective of the past, eliminating unjustified concerns.
This can be done by identifying things about the ex that they don't like about them.
This behaviour is called "downward social comparison" and it is done for self-enhancement. In simpler terms, it means comparing oneself to others (in this case, the partner's ex) in a way that makes the person feel better about themselves. This is what the offensive method entails.
According to one of their research participants, "Some people can just look past it." That's not my personality. I mean, I can get over it. I need to be aware of it before I can put it off." He stated.
Finding things to detest in a partner's ex is not always effective; some participants struggled to identify unlikable or ugly features to criticize, but it worked for some people. Some people prefer to know what their partner's ex looked like, or how they were in general before they can move past it and accept it.
If you're struggling to move on or avoid finding information about the ex, gather information until you reach a point where you no longer find it important.
Final Remarks
Overcoming retroactive jealousy entails understanding your own concerns, changing negative thoughts, and trusting your relationship. Sometimes not dwelling on the past and focusing on the now helps keep you from comparing and feeling envious.
Communication, reflecting on your thoughts, and trusting each other is essential for a happy, safe relationship.
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