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Loneliness is a profound and often misunderstood emotion, particularly when it manifests within the confines of a relationship. It's a paradoxical experience, being physically close to someone yet feeling an emotional chasm that seems impossible to bridge. This silent struggle can be one of the most isolating feelings, as it challenges the very essence of companionship and connection that relationships are supposed to offer.
Relationships are meant to be a sanctuary of support, love, and understanding. But what happens when something goes wrong when the connection fades and you find yourself feeling more alone than ever before? The very relationship that should provide comfort can become a source of deep loneliness. In this blog, we will explore the nuances of feeling alone while being together, examining why these feelings arise and how to navigate this complex emotional landscape to rediscover connection and intimacy.
Why you might feel lonely in your relationship
As social beings, humans often derive their identity and personality from a matrix of relationships. This dependency on social connections highlights why factors such as belongingness and loneliness are crucial in determining the health of a relationship. While loneliness and the need to belong are both subjective states, scientific research indicates that loneliness is strongly associated with the need to belong and satisfaction with personal relationships, a measure of unmet belonging needs.
Baumeister and Leary two researchers in 1995 developed a "belongingness hypothesis" which suggests that humans have an inherent drive to form and maintain lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships. When these belongingness needs are not met, it can result in feelings of social isolation, alienation, and loneliness. Therefore, understanding the importance of a sense of belongingness is key to exploring why you might feel lonely in your relationship, as it serves as both a precursor to social connectedness and a buffer against loneliness.
Simply; Humans rely on relationships to shape their identity and personality, making a sense of belonging crucial for a healthy relationship. loneliness arises when there's a gap between the need to feel connected and satisfaction with personal relationships. humans naturally seek lasting, positive relationships, and failing to meet this need can lead to isolation and loneliness.
To put them into points, the factors that may lead to loneliness in a relationship include:
1. Dependency on the relationship
2. Need for Belongingness
3. Lack of satisfaction in the relationship
4. Unmet needs of belongingness: That is when your needs for belongingness are not met
Does feeling alone in a relationship mean it is time to move on?
Feeling alone in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean it is time to move on to another relationship. Instead, it means that there is more work to be done either from your side or in the relationship. It may involve improving communication, addressing unmet emotional needs, and seeking ways to strengthen your connection. Reflect on what might be causing these feelings and consider discussing them with your partner. Sometimes, seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor can also help in understanding and resolving the underlying issues. Feeling alone is not an automatic signal to leave but rather an opportunity to work on building a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
How do you know if the loneliness is a 'you problem' or from the relationship?
To determine whether your loneliness stems from personal issues or the relationship itself, reflect on whether you feel lonely even when you're with your partner, and assess if this feeling persists across different settings and interactions. If loneliness is constant regardless of your partner's presence, it may be a personal issue. However, if the loneliness primarily occurs in the context of your relationship, it might indicate deeper problems within the relationship that need to be addressed.
Ask yourself questions like:
- Is my partner doing everything right in the relationship, but I still feel lonely?
- Do I feel supported and understood by my partner?
- Do I experience loneliness in other relationships or social situations?
- Am I able to communicate my feelings and needs effectively with my partner?
- Is there something specific in the relationship that triggers my loneliness?
Reflecting on these questions can help you identify whether the source of your loneliness is internal or related to the dynamics of your relationship.
How to deal with loneliness in a relationship
As discussed earlier, loneliness in a relationship can arise for several reasons. We're not just referring to the loneliness you feel when your partner is physically absent or travelling, but the profound loneliness that persists even when they are present. This type of loneliness can be particularly depressing, especially in situations where you feel like you're putting in all the effort while receiving little to nothing in return from your partner.
Here is how you deal with the loneliness in your relationship;
Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem
The first step is always to recognize and acknowledge that you are feeling lonely and that your relationship is not fulfilling your emotional needs. Identify the root cause of your loneliness, is it a problem from you or from your partner?
If The Problem Is From Your Partner
Communicate Your Feelings
Open Discussion: Have conversations with your partner about your feelings of loneliness and the state of the relationship.
Express Needs: Clearly express what you need from your partner to feel more connected.
Attempt to Reconnect
Plan Activities Together: Initiate activities and outings that you both enjoy to rekindle your connection.
Quality Time: Make deliberate efforts to spend quality time together, like a trip beach to the beach.
Assess Efforts and Responses
Observe Engagement: Pay attention to whether your partner is actively participating and showing interest in improving the relationship.
Evaluate Changes: Determine if there are any positive changes or if the situation remains the same despite your efforts.
Seek Professional Help
Counselling: Suggest and attend couples counselling to get an external perspective and guidance.
Active Participation: Ensure both you and your partner are willingly engaged in the counselling process.
Make a Decision Based on Observations
Self-Reflection: Reflect on your own needs and happiness.
Evaluate Commitment: Assess whether your partner is committed to working on the relationship.
Decide Future Steps: Decide whether to continue trying or to end the relationship based on the level of effort and engagement from your partner.
Take Action
Separation if Necessary: If your partner remains disengaged and unresponsive, consider separation as a step towards reclaiming your happiness and well-being.
If it is a 'You Problem'
Self-Reflect:
Acknowledge your role in the loneliness you're experiencing. Understand the behaviors or actions contributing to the issue.
Communicate Openly:
Have an honest conversation with your partner about your feelings. This conversation will help you understand the reasons behind your loneliness. By sharing your thoughts with your partner, you allow them to support you, which can reduce your feelings of loneliness. Knowing that they care about you and are willing to help can make a significant difference in how you feel.
Allow your partner to help you
Ask your partner for constructive feedback on how you can better contribute to the relationship. Be open and receptive to their suggestions.
Lower Your Expectations:
Realize that having overly high expectations may be one of the causes of your loneliness.
Adjust your expectations to be more realistic and manageable.
Try these steps to help manage your feelings while allowing others to support you. You can seek help from a professional psychologist, a friend, or your partner. Letting others in while you address your problems can provide you with the support and understanding you need, making it easier to cope and find solutions.
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