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Emotional availability is the foundation of any strong relationship. How deeply you connect with your partner depends on how emotionally in tune you are with each other. Key aspects like trust, communication, and intimacy all grow from this connection. Without being emotionally available, these important parts of a relationship can’t develop properly.
In today’s busy world, it’s easy to forget how crucial it is to be emotionally present. We often get wrapped up in our own lives, stress, and daily tasks, which can create a gap between partners. But being emotionally available is more than just being there physically; it’s about truly connecting with your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
What does being "Emotionally Unavailable" mean?
Being emotionally unavailable means lacking in-depth interactions with your partner, consistently not having time for them, failing to listen to their concerns, and not showing support during difficult times. It involves a pattern of emotional distance and disengagement that prevents meaningful connection and support in the relationship.
Emotionally unavailable individuals often avoid vulnerability, shy away from discussing feelings, and may struggle to commit or be present in the relationship.
Let me use myself as an example, imagine a couple, Yaw Amoateng and Amie. Amie comes home from a stressful day at work and tries to share her feelings with me. Instead of listening and offering support, I always get distracted, checking my phone, and giving minimal responses. When she asks for some quality time together over the weekend, I make excuses about being too busy.
Over time, Amie feels increasingly lonely and unsupported, as her emotional needs are consistently neglected. This scenario highlights how emotional unavailability manifests through a lack of attention, support, and engagement, creating a significant barrier to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Because it makes the individual feel isolated, and frustrated, and their needs unmet, ultimately hindering the growth and intimacy of the relationship.
Is there such a thing as being too emotionally available?
Yes, being too emotionally available is also a concern. This occurs when someone is overly attentive, excessively eager to share their emotions, and always prioritizes their partner's needs above their own to the point of neglecting themselves. It can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, creating dependency and stifling personal growth.
Let's take another example, this time we will use random names, Sam and Juliet. Sam and Juliet are a cute couple, with people from the outside referring to them as couple goals but internally there is a problem. Sam constantly checks in with Taylor, asking about she is feeling and offering support, even when it's not needed. Sam often sacrifices his own needs and interests to cater to Taylor's, always putting Taylor's emotions first.
When Taylor has a minor issue, Sam drops everything to help, even when Taylor is capable of handling it on their own. This behaviour can overwhelm Taylor and lead to a lack of independence and personal space. Over time, Taylor may feel smothered, and Sam may feel unappreciated and burnt out. This scenario illustrates how being too emotionally available can create dependency, hinder personal boundaries, and disrupt the natural balance of a healthy relationship.
So yes, it is good to be there for your partner, but there is always a line. Remember to also prioritize your own needs once in a while and trust that your partner can handle what they are facing.
Signs someone is emotionally unavailable
Avoidance of Intimacy: They steer clear of deep or meaningful conversations and often keep interactions superficial.
Reluctance to Commit: They show hesitation or reluctance when it comes to making plans for the future.
Past Relationship Patterns: They have a history of short-lived or tumultuous relationships. They may have unresolved issues from past relationships that affect their current behaviour.
Emotional Distance: They seem detached or aloof, even during moments that typically require emotional engagement.
Fear of Vulnerability: They avoid situations where they might need to be vulnerable or show their true emotions.
Lack of Empathy: They may seem indifferent or dismissive when you express your emotions.
They might exhibit behaviour that suggests they are not fully invested in the relationship.
How can one become more emotionally available?
I came across this power statement on Quora, shared by a man named Dushka Zapata author of "Your Seat Cushion Is a Flotation Device". It will let us understand how we can become more emotionally available.
He wrote;
"If my boss is looking stressed and unhappy, I might say "wow, he must have a lot going on" rather than "oh my god what did I do why is he so unhappy with me?"
If at the end of a long, difficult day someone on the bus pushes me with his backpack, I brush it off instead of flying off the handle and wondering why I am so often treated disrespectfully.
If my significant other says he will call and he doesn't, I assume he's busy rather than allowing my brain to spin out wow he said he would call and he didn't. Why does every man I pick flake out on me? Why does no one come through for me? Why am I completely unlovable?
If I am rejected in any way, I realize even though it burns there are many factors at play behind this rejection that are not even related to me.
When I am in the middle of a lot of change, rather than assuming the end of the world as I know it, an apocalypse, armageddon, I instead conclude that maybe when everything shakes out things will turn out OK for me.
It's not so much because the universe conspires in my favour but because I believe in myself and in the fact I've got my own back.
Talking about change, it's OK if things don't go as planned because I can be spontaneous without being erratic.
I don't say horrible things about myself and realize I can trip up, mess up and make a disproportionate amount of wrong decisions and still believe I am fundamentally a rather cool person."
This statement is a powerful reflection on emotional resilience and self-awareness, both of which are crucial components of becoming more emotionally available. It talks about a shift from a self-centred, anxiety-driven perspective to one that considers broader contexts, Managing Emotional Reactions, Assuming Positive Intent, Embracing Change, Self-Belief and Self-Compassion, and Spontaneity and Flexibility.
This way, one can become more emotionally available. They become better equipped to engage with others in a meaningful, empathetic, and supportive way, enhancing their relationships and personal well-being.
How does someone who has been in a toxic relationship become emotionally available again
It can be very difficult to trust again when your trust has been broken in a previous toxic relationship. The wounds from such experiences can run deep, leaving scars that make vulnerability feel like a risk too great to take. However, rebuilding trust is essential for healing, moving forward and becoming emotionally available again.
Accept your feelings and allow yourself to grieve the pain of betrayal. It's okay to feel hurt and wary. Give yourself time and patience to process these emotions.
Rediscover your worth and strength to regain confidence. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who remind you of your value.
When entering a new relationship, take things slowly. Open communication is key; share your past experiences with your new partner and express your fears and needs. A trustworthy partner will understand and respect your pace.
You clearly define what is acceptable and what is not in your new relationship. This helps create a safe environment where trust can gradually grow.
Remember, trust is built through consistent, reliable actions over time. Be patient with yourself and your new partner as you both navigate this journey. With time, effort, and the right support, it is entirely possible to build back trust.
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